I'm scared, too.
Life!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Laughter and Forgetting
I forgot what I originally intended to post about. But it's Wednesday night, meaning there are two days left of the program before I fly home (and I literally fly home the night it ends), and I'm torn.
I'm torn between wanting to be here longer and wanting to just get on with my life. Life!
I think the desire to still be here is mostly because I'm scared. Scared of 're-integration,' resuming what could possibly said to be living a 'regular' life again (I'm not even thinking of the obligations I have to do when I get back) and learning how to integrate what I've learned, the habits I've picked up back into a 'regular' life (that wasn't very regular to begin with).
Exercise enough! on schedule. get up everyday! job.
So that's it.
that's it.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Thirty minutes.
What if all you got was 30 minutes?
Over the last few days, the clearest thinking I've been able to do while saddled with this brain bomb was the thirty minutes I spent on the ellipticial machine at the gym (during physical therapy) today.
All of a sudden my mind was clear! (enough)
and what I wanted to do and be doing was totally clear to me. Singing being a big part of it.
It's only when I get down. When I feel bad. Dizzy, pain, fog, weird fatigue. I start to get really down and depressed and think that I'm not capable of doing or accomplishing anything. and I mean really anything. What was I thinking to pursue singing. BAH. I can't sing. I dont know shit. and I don't know how to go about it (this is partly true) doing it, getting there.And I odn't even sing well. Journalism/reporting? I cant really do that. I can't hold a job. And I get totally fed up with my good for nothing self. It's only those 30 minutes that I feel like an energied, competent human being capable of doing something. ANYTHING. Conquering the world. (Hey, at our ages, we're allowed to feel that we have that potential, aren't we?)
So I'm going to try and channel those thoughts I had while on the elliptical machine, when I had all of my energy, and write them down here, and remind myself of them again and again and again and again, so that the rest of the time, when I'm not feeling up to it, when I start to feel bad and down, I'll know that there is something I want to be doing and I'll know what that something is.
It's simple. And it goes like this:
I want to sing. I do. and I'm good at it. (and I can be gooood at it again). And I'm good at interpreting music and words and making it into a song.
I want to work on my own songs (and my own band?) as I work on getting together a trio (and my book) and find a job. (Also audition for musical theatre/start acting again is in there) : )
How's that?
Just remind myself. remind myself.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
good. and bad
OK. so I didn't post all week. not so good.
I've had some goods. good
and some bads. bad.
goods. My mom came up for the weekend and it was nice.
bads. my head hasn't been doing so good. and this makes me sad. sad. mad. bad. and that also makes me question everything more. like what on earth am I doing singing. and journalism?
Monday, October 20, 2008
group therapy
I'm a little too tired to post right now (I shan't say the m word). But it seems this week will involve mainly lots of group sessions. And really teaching us how to re-live and organize our lives. Something that for... someone who had basically stopped functioning... is good, necessary, and helpful. More so than anyone could imagine. for others perhaps, as well... who knows ^^;
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Pain Behaviors
OK. So a really important topic for me to get to is "Pain Behaviors" I suppose me even writing this segment constitutes a pain behavior. In fact. I'm kind of afraid this whole blog constitutes a Pain Behavior (*eep!). I don't know. or maybe I kind of do. But then what's the whole purpose of this blog if not for me to talk about me in relation to ... well... me. and migraines. (Do I need to change the name of the blog too???)
An explanation.
So the other day in 'group.' 'group'==group therapy we all (all 2 of us who started together) have every day (I realize I failed to explain this last post). the other day in group we talked about 'pain behaviors' and how important it is to stop exhibiting/doing any, except with your doctor. What is a pain behavior?
Well... anything that shows or communicates that you are in pain and/or have a headache or take medicine (I can see my brother shaking his head). It's important to stop, because the more we dwell, the bigger the deal it (they) become, the more other people change their behavior to oneself, yadda yadda yadd, it makes sense. I guess for me... some of these 'behaviors' : rubbing my head, talking about my medicine/headache (a BIG one for me. hey. look at this blog! No. But I swear this blog was and is more than that. But more on that later. maybe) I exhibit a lot, though I'm always very keen on whoever I'm with to not change the way they treat me... I always thought about it as more of an explanation. BUT. I'm wrong. Any way you look at it I'm wrong.
Does that mean the end of this blog? I don't think so. I think this blog was always and hopefully will always be about more than just my 'migraine.' If it was, all the posts would be about all the headaches I had... Instead they were and hope to continue to be about living day to day (granted while I'm getting treatment mostly) with this condition and maybe whatever else. ! Ok. maybe I talked myself into a hole. maybe I need to give it up?
But see I haven't spent the last some paragraphs complaining about the headache I just got from eating something random (no idea really. yuck after such a good day, too!) I stop.
Friday, October 17, 2008
coldness
I'm cold. The house I'm in hasn't learned the meaning of heat.
Today was a bit better.... I got my car switched! and ate yummy gelato. er I don't want to keep focusing on the negative... so I won't! ^^; but me thinks me ate a little too much. I find it's also easier to when one is cold.
Ok. something from group. something important I've learned/had beaten into me (heh) through the program is the importance of not having/showing any pain behaviors. That's right. Nomore talking about it/no complaining/no moaning/no pill popping, etc in public at all. It's going to be a little hard for me ... because, I guess, because it's become so natural.
but right now I think the hardest thing is getting through another night of this cold house!
brrr.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
down
OK. so I'm kind of down. and this is manifesting itself in me eating a lot of junk and kind of an annoying migraine in the back of my head.
I just don't feel like I'm getting it. I feel talked down to (by physical therapist). We had a whole half hour of physical therapy and all we did was the same exercise from before and one new one. I'm just not very optomistic about this whole thing and I feel like I need to be, should be! in order to get what I need to out of this program.
But right now my head hurts. All I want to do is sleep. well. burrow into the covers and sleep. and eat. That is not very promising.
Please somewhere, something inside me turn around this/my feelings otherwise I think it will be a waste of time.
I got a car. BUt like. please. The car door won't open with the regular key. I have to open the passenger side and crawl over. The light doesn't turn on. It's kind of a piece of shittiness. But it's a car, and other than not knowing where I'm going and kind of just 'going there' I really like having a car. even if all I ever do (did today) was go back and forth to the clinic.
And really, today, I was going to go take a dance class after but I was feeling down about this program about myself and I just wanted to eat (at first I thought it was just being down, but then I realized it was migraine-ness). and so I went 'home.' Which - as of tomorrow I will be sharing again with the owner. Boo. It's nice to have a whole place to myself. Not that he's not nice - - just that he talks - wants to talk... I guess and I want to feel shitty and wallow in it I guess. Ok. This post must stop. you see the problem? yeeeesss.
Naomi
I just don't feel like I'm getting it. I feel talked down to (by physical therapist). We had a whole half hour of physical therapy and all we did was the same exercise from before and one new one. I'm just not very optomistic about this whole thing and I feel like I need to be, should be! in order to get what I need to out of this program.
But right now my head hurts. All I want to do is sleep. well. burrow into the covers and sleep. and eat. That is not very promising.
Please somewhere, something inside me turn around this/my feelings otherwise I think it will be a waste of time.
I got a car. BUt like. please. The car door won't open with the regular key. I have to open the passenger side and crawl over. The light doesn't turn on. It's kind of a piece of shittiness. But it's a car, and other than not knowing where I'm going and kind of just 'going there' I really like having a car. even if all I ever do (did today) was go back and forth to the clinic.
And really, today, I was going to go take a dance class after but I was feeling down about this program about myself and I just wanted to eat (at first I thought it was just being down, but then I realized it was migraine-ness). and so I went 'home.' Which - as of tomorrow I will be sharing again with the owner. Boo. It's nice to have a whole place to myself. Not that he's not nice - - just that he talks - wants to talk... I guess and I want to feel shitty and wallow in it I guess. Ok. This post must stop. you see the problem? yeeeesss.
Naomi
Monday, October 13, 2008
Today - 1st Day
Today was really hard.
I think I am going to get to rent a car, and that will help me feel not so trapped.
A wise friend said, "no matter what. you won't leave worse than you are now ... that sounds funny but it's true." It is true.
and if it doesn't work "it's ok." b/c I tried.
also true.
:)
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Post Post
So I realized if you read just the beginning of my last post, it seems like I get interred in hospitals or the such quite often. This, I assure you, isn't, er, the case. ie, not true. I am in many ways (ok. forget any possible protozoan lingering picked up backpacking around the world) and have been a rather healthy human specimen. really! ^^
specimen?
I am now sitting at the kitchen table in my house (my parents' house? I am never quite sure how best to refer to it) in beautiful, Morgantown ,West Virginia, listening to the birds chirp (hooray for sun decks!). I started a book. I'm trying, for just a moment, to forget that there are a bunch of things I need to do/arrange. I do, unfortunately, have a slight headache, but I am optimistic about the state of such things, as the last (and only other) time I went to the migraine clinic, my migraines slowly got better and better over the following month until they kind of became *stable.* (I am going to smile over that one ^_^ ) I am perhaps a little anxious to do a couple errands that require the use of a car. (my father in his vast, abstract musings on asymptotics, the universe, and the state of such things, did not, it seems, ponder the idea that I might need the car he rode off in this morning). So I sit and think perhaps I should get back to my book and quiet my inner, slightly anxious monologue. (of little lego soldiers fighting each other?) -_-; fleeting image. really.
I will be getting back to New York either Wednesday evening or Thursday morning. (To do my laundry!) among other things best done in the morning ^^
specimen?
I am now sitting at the kitchen table in my house (my parents' house? I am never quite sure how best to refer to it) in beautiful, Morgantown ,West Virginia, listening to the birds chirp (hooray for sun decks!). I started a book. I'm trying, for just a moment, to forget that there are a bunch of things I need to do/arrange. I do, unfortunately, have a slight headache, but I am optimistic about the state of such things, as the last (and only other) time I went to the migraine clinic, my migraines slowly got better and better over the following month until they kind of became *stable.* (I am going to smile over that one ^_^ ) I am perhaps a little anxious to do a couple errands that require the use of a car. (my father in his vast, abstract musings on asymptotics, the universe, and the state of such things, did not, it seems, ponder the idea that I might need the car he rode off in this morning). So I sit and think perhaps I should get back to my book and quiet my inner, slightly anxious monologue. (of little lego soldiers fighting each other?) -_-; fleeting image. really.
I will be getting back to New York either Wednesday evening or Thursday morning. (To do my laundry!) among other things best done in the morning ^^
Sunday, April 6, 2008
SUN Day 2
So, I mentioned that I wanted to talk about moms in one of my posts.
More so this time than last (I was here 3 years ago. literally, April 2005. My 21st birthday was spent on the 9th floor of St. Joseph's Hospital, Chicago), I've noticed family here with patients.
I bring this up, because at one point, I asked my doctor if he wouldn't mind speaking to my mom. Now, obviously, I have many reasons for this, but basically because, well, she is my mom, but also more importantly perhaps, she is a pediatric neurologist and treats a lot of migraine patient, as well. Whatever. you (you?) understand why.
But my doctor kind of 'made' me feel bad about it (one should never assume intentions but), saying, "oh it's not normally our habit to talk to the parents of adult patients." I was put off ( and of course still had him talk to her) but then I realized how silly it was. The girl next door to me had both her parents there (She's 31), the girl next to her was here with her mom. I mean, I could go on and on but you can see that it is, er, NOT, an uncommon phenomenon that the doctors speak to parents, spouses, etc.
But, I guess what I really wanted to say, was that how integral I noticed family is. and especially moms.
Last time I was here, I don't remember seeing so much 'family' around. I felt we were more 'on our own' and so because of that I bonded a lot with a couple of the other patients on the floor. (and I kind of missed them this time. ) But "this way", or rather, this time although different worked well in it's own way and I think a girl I met (I say girl, but maybe late 20s-30s) said it when she said, "I don't think I could do this without my mom (being here)."
Now, my mom obviously can't throw everything down and run to where I am (though she does try sometimes) because of her obligations, I realized, really... how true that has become. Although I have to say family stress has certainly (and will continue) to play a part in my migraines (especially the intricate mom-daughter relationship ^^;), I really could not have done the last few months without my mom. Starting about 4-5 months ago my headaches got worse and worse and worse to the point where I was not functioning well for several weeks.
The hardest thing for me is when I wake up with a headache/migraine, because NOTHING and I mean NOTHING can really pull me out of bed. Iv'e never been a morning person but I can get up when I really have to. But when I have a migraine, it's like I'm dead/comatose to the world. I have to admit (I feel pathetic kind of saying it, but it's true.) that the only way I've survived these last some months is because my mom in West Virginia has called me almost every morning to make sure I get up. Having lived and worked in another country (and gotten up each morning) as a "successful adult" when my migraines were really under control, I know that it's.... circumstantional, I guess. But lame, right? but that's the only I've been able to do it. (I'm not sure if I feel better yet getting that "off my chest" . Im hoping that feeling will kick in soon.) but yeah. without all that extra help (and that's just the most concrete example), I woud have been more of a puddle on the floor.
I took a long shower today and got back in jeans and a regular shirt. and looked ( and actually saw, not just glance) in the mirror today at myself. Kind of a transformation? I guess, hopefuly in more ways than one. ^^;; I know that I still have a long way to go to being totally healthy (esp as I need to see an orthodontist to fix these 'new' headaches that are a great deal caused by jaw issues/tmj, not to mention following up with protozoa doctor in NYC) but I still kind of feel like, new beginning in some sense.
Hopefully this month I will get most if not everything cleared up. : ) (Maybe even a new meniscus in my knee (!) ooo. ooo. Santa, I know what I want for christmas. Will you make me some new knee cartilage. aw. thank you! ) ah. heh. my brain. (Is htis normal that I seperate it from myself??) And then I can possibly see what my full potential can do. (not to be uppity or anything, but I honestly don't know and won't/can't until 'things' are cleared up, yknow?
(On a total crazy side note: wouldnt Dr. Protozoa be a craaaazy bad guy inn ike comic book world. he should the evil nemisis in the next batman movie. it's (evil voice) "Dr. Protozoa!")
As I sit on my hospital bed, with my new (awesome!) ugly doll (he's a perfect shade of EW green : ) I love him), blogging (hahahaha. I always wanted to use that verb in relation to myself. but somehow I still kind of find it pretentious), I'm wondering about 'opening' this blog up.
I really only started writing this for me... and well one or two other people to possibly read. But I realize that a lot of people (my friends included) really don't know that much about migraines or what it's like to have them. And although, it would really be a "Post Blog" as well, Im 'going home' today and don't plan on writing more, I'm thinking, maybe if I share it with mroe people it might be a way to help some other people understand more about migraines (no. they aren't just 'headaches' where you take a tylenol and it goes away. Surprisingly (maybe not surprisingly?) I have been asked/told that by quite a few people. or if it's not said outright, then at east implied with an incredulous look or whatever.
I mean. NO. I am not setting out to 'change the world' ONE. beautiful. migraine. blog. at. a. time! -_-. that get's another one just to show how sarcastic I was being. -_-; but maybe it might just promote a little more understanding. (although I don't know how much me complaining how my butt still hurts from the anti-nausea shot is going to 'enlighten' the world about migraines and/or "chronic daily headache" <-- the more correct term. because there are SO many different kinds.) The few people who are reading this so far (are you still reading inn to this ridiculously long post??) if you guys feel like giving me your opinion/thought on it, I would appreciate it.
And so. It is time to move on.
My head is weird feeling. a little buzzed, a little light headed, eyes slightly blurry (anyone want to lend me their car? heh), but ok I suppose. It is way past time to leave for the airport.
I wish this were ending on a more happy emotional note, not just sillyness about readers, seeing especially as I never really intended it to be such. I think I'm feeling. ok. ^^ A little hesitant. maybe a little reluctant to 'go back' and face whatever it is I need to do next (lots of annoying little things. Dont we all?) but maybe ok. I need to take a few deep breaths. (Listen to Biofeedback cd! Want to do it with me?) close my eyes. hug my ugly doll. (and the little sheep) aaaand I'm ok.
ok. so pack up computer. put in bag. grab food (lunch came early!) and head on my way.
goodbye for now.
More so this time than last (I was here 3 years ago. literally, April 2005. My 21st birthday was spent on the 9th floor of St. Joseph's Hospital, Chicago), I've noticed family here with patients.
I bring this up, because at one point, I asked my doctor if he wouldn't mind speaking to my mom. Now, obviously, I have many reasons for this, but basically because, well, she is my mom, but also more importantly perhaps, she is a pediatric neurologist and treats a lot of migraine patient, as well. Whatever. you (you?) understand why.
But my doctor kind of 'made' me feel bad about it (one should never assume intentions but), saying, "oh it's not normally our habit to talk to the parents of adult patients." I was put off ( and of course still had him talk to her) but then I realized how silly it was. The girl next door to me had both her parents there (She's 31), the girl next to her was here with her mom. I mean, I could go on and on but you can see that it is, er, NOT, an uncommon phenomenon that the doctors speak to parents, spouses, etc.
But, I guess what I really wanted to say, was that how integral I noticed family is. and especially moms.
Last time I was here, I don't remember seeing so much 'family' around. I felt we were more 'on our own' and so because of that I bonded a lot with a couple of the other patients on the floor. (and I kind of missed them this time. ) But "this way", or rather, this time although different worked well in it's own way and I think a girl I met (I say girl, but maybe late 20s-30s) said it when she said, "I don't think I could do this without my mom (being here)."
Now, my mom obviously can't throw everything down and run to where I am (though she does try sometimes) because of her obligations, I realized, really... how true that has become. Although I have to say family stress has certainly (and will continue) to play a part in my migraines (especially the intricate mom-daughter relationship ^^;), I really could not have done the last few months without my mom. Starting about 4-5 months ago my headaches got worse and worse and worse to the point where I was not functioning well for several weeks.
The hardest thing for me is when I wake up with a headache/migraine, because NOTHING and I mean NOTHING can really pull me out of bed. Iv'e never been a morning person but I can get up when I really have to. But when I have a migraine, it's like I'm dead/comatose to the world. I have to admit (I feel pathetic kind of saying it, but it's true.) that the only way I've survived these last some months is because my mom in West Virginia has called me almost every morning to make sure I get up. Having lived and worked in another country (and gotten up each morning) as a "successful adult" when my migraines were really under control, I know that it's.... circumstantional, I guess. But lame, right? but that's the only I've been able to do it. (I'm not sure if I feel better yet getting that "off my chest" . Im hoping that feeling will kick in soon.) but yeah. without all that extra help (and that's just the most concrete example), I woud have been more of a puddle on the floor.
I took a long shower today and got back in jeans and a regular shirt. and looked ( and actually saw, not just glance) in the mirror today at myself. Kind of a transformation? I guess, hopefuly in more ways than one. ^^;; I know that I still have a long way to go to being totally healthy (esp as I need to see an orthodontist to fix these 'new' headaches that are a great deal caused by jaw issues/tmj, not to mention following up with protozoa doctor in NYC) but I still kind of feel like, new beginning in some sense.
Hopefully this month I will get most if not everything cleared up. : ) (Maybe even a new meniscus in my knee (!) ooo. ooo. Santa, I know what I want for christmas. Will you make me some new knee cartilage. aw. thank you! ) ah. heh. my brain. (Is htis normal that I seperate it from myself??) And then I can possibly see what my full potential can do. (not to be uppity or anything, but I honestly don't know and won't/can't until 'things' are cleared up, yknow?
(On a total crazy side note: wouldnt Dr. Protozoa be a craaaazy bad guy inn ike comic book world. he should the evil nemisis in the next batman movie. it's (evil voice) "Dr. Protozoa!")
As I sit on my hospital bed, with my new (awesome!) ugly doll (he's a perfect shade of EW green : ) I love him), blogging (hahahaha. I always wanted to use that verb in relation to myself. but somehow I still kind of find it pretentious), I'm wondering about 'opening' this blog up.
I really only started writing this for me... and well one or two other people to possibly read. But I realize that a lot of people (my friends included) really don't know that much about migraines or what it's like to have them. And although, it would really be a "Post Blog" as well, Im 'going home' today and don't plan on writing more, I'm thinking, maybe if I share it with mroe people it might be a way to help some other people understand more about migraines (no. they aren't just 'headaches' where you take a tylenol and it goes away. Surprisingly (maybe not surprisingly?) I have been asked/told that by quite a few people. or if it's not said outright, then at east implied with an incredulous look or whatever.
I mean. NO. I am not setting out to 'change the world' ONE. beautiful. migraine. blog. at. a. time! -_-. that get's another one just to show how sarcastic I was being. -_-; but maybe it might just promote a little more understanding. (although I don't know how much me complaining how my butt still hurts from the anti-nausea shot is going to 'enlighten' the world about migraines and/or "chronic daily headache" <-- the more correct term. because there are SO many different kinds.) The few people who are reading this so far (are you still reading inn to this ridiculously long post??) if you guys feel like giving me your opinion/thought on it, I would appreciate it.
And so. It is time to move on.
My head is weird feeling. a little buzzed, a little light headed, eyes slightly blurry (anyone want to lend me their car? heh), but ok I suppose. It is way past time to leave for the airport.
I wish this were ending on a more happy emotional note, not just sillyness about readers, seeing especially as I never really intended it to be such. I think I'm feeling. ok. ^^ A little hesitant. maybe a little reluctant to 'go back' and face whatever it is I need to do next (lots of annoying little things. Dont we all?) but maybe ok. I need to take a few deep breaths. (Listen to Biofeedback cd! Want to do it with me?) close my eyes. hug my ugly doll. (and the little sheep) aaaand I'm ok.
ok. so pack up computer. put in bag. grab food (lunch came early!) and head on my way.
goodbye for now.
Day 6, Sun. Day.
Is that nice? a Sun Day. ^^
So today is it. I've had my heplock(sp?) pulled out (IV), everything is packed, and I am about to be discharged from the hospital. I'm feeling a little buzzed. I'm showered, back in 'street clothes' (they actualy encourage that patients wear street clothes most of the time but I went for soft pjs... everyday.
I'm finding this post harder to write than I thought. Not for sentimental reasons. I was given a smaller dosage of meds to 'combat' the headache I've had since the morning and I think it must have some kind of upper as we as muscle relaxant in it to combat the sluggishness of the muscle relaxant. ... meaning, my brain is kind of slowish, but my hands (and my whole body are shaking slightly)
I think, also, although I am not very conscious of it, the apprehension about leaving this 'safe'
environment is probaby adding to it as well. (Imagine a whole floor of people I can go out to dinner with that I DONT have to explain all the silly food rules. COOL. : )
I feel compelled (boo. big words.) to give a slight recap of yesterday.
It was mostly spent n migraine stupor. and then waiting the necessary 8 hours until they would give me another dose of the medicine I wanted. (They increased the wait time to wean me off of it supposedly). That was about it. OH! and my Tagalog vocabulary has slightly increased to now include the words for: "thank you" and "please." Most of the nurses are filipino.
I'm going to end this post and start a new one to talk about what I think I really wanted to say. This has gotten a bit rambly.
So today is it. I've had my heplock(sp?) pulled out (IV), everything is packed, and I am about to be discharged from the hospital. I'm feeling a little buzzed. I'm showered, back in 'street clothes' (they actualy encourage that patients wear street clothes most of the time but I went for soft pjs... everyday.
I'm finding this post harder to write than I thought. Not for sentimental reasons. I was given a smaller dosage of meds to 'combat' the headache I've had since the morning and I think it must have some kind of upper as we as muscle relaxant in it to combat the sluggishness of the muscle relaxant. ... meaning, my brain is kind of slowish, but my hands (and my whole body are shaking slightly)
I think, also, although I am not very conscious of it, the apprehension about leaving this 'safe'
environment is probaby adding to it as well. (Imagine a whole floor of people I can go out to dinner with that I DONT have to explain all the silly food rules. COOL. : )
I feel compelled (boo. big words.) to give a slight recap of yesterday.
It was mostly spent n migraine stupor. and then waiting the necessary 8 hours until they would give me another dose of the medicine I wanted. (They increased the wait time to wean me off of it supposedly). That was about it. OH! and my Tagalog vocabulary has slightly increased to now include the words for: "thank you" and "please." Most of the nurses are filipino.
I'm going to end this post and start a new one to talk about what I think I really wanted to say. This has gotten a bit rambly.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Day 5, kind of
Looking out the window while sitting on an exercise bike at the end of our (migraine) floor, I was kind of sad again. Part filled with excitement (excitement? maybe not -quite- the word) and a lot of fear at all the little things I have to do when I get out. At times it can seem insurmountable. And the question I have is, am I just going to be back where I started when I get out? Is the parasite issue (or whatever it may be now) still going to 'haunt me?' That (also) has to be fully cleared up for me to get 'anywhere' really. these thoughts are kind of moot. and dont really help or hamper anything (well, can hamper, by over thinking)
At any rate (I need better transitionary (transitionary?) phrases), I did want to/was planning to write, but by the time I actually attempted to.. well, lets just say I got a (much hoped for) dose of medicine (read: Norflex) and all my enthused cells (the ones 'for' writing) (wow, way too many parenthesis. it's like my abilities to second (And third?) guess myself get multiplied into the trillions when I have a big dose of norflex (mixed in with a little sadness, perhaps) ) <-- this kind of obnoxious nesting should ONLY happen in obnoxious computer code! -_-. yuck. why do i have to think of that at a time like this.
Ok. so I will post tomorrow. maybe just after I get 'discharged.' I wanted to say something on the subject of moms... among other things.
The first Harry Potter is just ending on TV. aw. Daniel Radcliffe and the others were so cute then. and they couldn't act, but whatever. you (I , we) enjoyed it because it was HArry Potter.
Ok. yuck. computer. too much time on a computer. kind of to bed I guess.
my body definitely doesnt want any more graham crackers (the kitchen is always stocked with those and saltines. and fruit at night. but im WAY at the other end of the hall and am not getting up to get it.
enough of me rambling.
til tomorrow
At any rate (I need better transitionary (transitionary?) phrases), I did want to/was planning to write, but by the time I actually attempted to.. well, lets just say I got a (much hoped for) dose of medicine (read: Norflex) and all my enthused cells (the ones 'for' writing) (wow, way too many parenthesis. it's like my abilities to second (And third?) guess myself get multiplied into the trillions when I have a big dose of norflex (mixed in with a little sadness, perhaps) ) <-- this kind of obnoxious nesting should ONLY happen in obnoxious computer code! -_-. yuck. why do i have to think of that at a time like this.
Ok. so I will post tomorrow. maybe just after I get 'discharged.' I wanted to say something on the subject of moms... among other things.
The first Harry Potter is just ending on TV. aw. Daniel Radcliffe and the others were so cute then. and they couldn't act, but whatever. you (I , we) enjoyed it because it was HArry Potter.
Ok. yuck. computer. too much time on a computer. kind of to bed I guess.
my body definitely doesnt want any more graham crackers (the kitchen is always stocked with those and saltines. and fruit at night. but im WAY at the other end of the hall and am not getting up to get it.
enough of me rambling.
til tomorrow
Friday, April 4, 2008
Day 5
The nice thing about a hospital is when you feel shitty, you can complain about it and usually something gets done. Like, "hey nurse, I'm feeling really awful," and usually they can offer some medicine that will make you feel better. In the case of the migraine unit there's usually a few choices we have and they say, which do you want?"
Seems priviledged/nice, eh? except... that often times, what you really want is something to hit it really hard and knock it out so you don't feel the pain/nausea/weakness, etc. but with all patients, and especially with migraine patients, you can't get those kinds of medicines very often. (Once every 6 hours, say. That may seem short. but when all you can do is curl in to a ball on your bed with the lights out and try to relax or sleep (though not possible sometimes. ie: me at 6 AM this morning) So you are often stuck choosing the sub-par version until the nurse agrees that enough time has passed that you can take the one you want. "Let's see, do you want the liquid tylenol solution or do you want the anti-nausea drug (read: injection in the butt)?
but in a way, you get more autonomy, yes. please give me that drug now (well, on the drug you have prescribed for you. preventitive. you get no autonomy, but when it comes to choosing your so called 'rescue medicines' one gets more of a choice. well. in good time. I guess.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. or rather, where I was going with this, but, er, perhaps it illuminated... something. I, for one, (for two? heh. english has such silly phrases) would like some norflax... the other mediine ive been given keeps making me noxious. Alas, I must wait another 2 and a half hours...
My day today... consisted of a lot of sleeping. I wasn't feeling too great (see above, medicine making me noxious bit) and then I finally got the med I wanted and just conked out. In other 'news', my nurse this morning... isn't used to working on the headache floor (it's very different than the rest of the hospital. well, I should say, it's very different than most floor on hospitals anywhere, what with group session room, kitchen where we always can go to get snacks/drinks (some meds make you hungry!), Biofeedback, etc, I'm getting into way too much detail. ) But the most important difference, I would say is in how quiet the floor is. This is, after all, a floor where slight changes in noise, light... and well, anything (like lotion!) can really affect a patient.
At any rate (I really am blathering on today... I think it's partly, because my brain is capable of making thoughts but, er, not finishing them. or something.) The nurse was just very quick to react (can we say Suuuppperrrr toouchy gay guy? )... in kind of an angry/condescending way... not really the best reaction to someone in pain/who's not functioning well. But, as I said, at any rate, bygones will be bygones and toads will be toads.
I think I'm going to end this post soon. I did have those facet blocks done yesterday, and I think it really helped. In the process, however, I was turned into total 'hospital invalid' doll. ie, hospital gown and IV in hand. now my neck just has a residual soreness. (the rest of the time, we're encouraged to stay in street clothes)
but enough of this post. time for me to read a book! (Hah. note to self and others. don't bring heavy non-fiction books to a hospital to read, especially when you know your cognitive abilities are going to be hampered. stick to something like Sweet Valley High. that would be amusing. Though I must say the advent of movies streaming on the internet at fast speeds has been a nice addition to this stay.)
Seems priviledged/nice, eh? except... that often times, what you really want is something to hit it really hard and knock it out so you don't feel the pain/nausea/weakness, etc. but with all patients, and especially with migraine patients, you can't get those kinds of medicines very often. (Once every 6 hours, say. That may seem short. but when all you can do is curl in to a ball on your bed with the lights out and try to relax or sleep (though not possible sometimes. ie: me at 6 AM this morning) So you are often stuck choosing the sub-par version until the nurse agrees that enough time has passed that you can take the one you want. "Let's see, do you want the liquid tylenol solution or do you want the anti-nausea drug (read: injection in the butt)?
but in a way, you get more autonomy, yes. please give me that drug now (well, on the drug you have prescribed for you. preventitive. you get no autonomy, but when it comes to choosing your so called 'rescue medicines' one gets more of a choice. well. in good time. I guess.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. or rather, where I was going with this, but, er, perhaps it illuminated... something. I, for one, (for two? heh. english has such silly phrases) would like some norflax... the other mediine ive been given keeps making me noxious. Alas, I must wait another 2 and a half hours...
My day today... consisted of a lot of sleeping. I wasn't feeling too great (see above, medicine making me noxious bit) and then I finally got the med I wanted and just conked out. In other 'news', my nurse this morning... isn't used to working on the headache floor (it's very different than the rest of the hospital. well, I should say, it's very different than most floor on hospitals anywhere, what with group session room, kitchen where we always can go to get snacks/drinks (some meds make you hungry!), Biofeedback, etc, I'm getting into way too much detail. ) But the most important difference, I would say is in how quiet the floor is. This is, after all, a floor where slight changes in noise, light... and well, anything (like lotion!) can really affect a patient.
At any rate (I really am blathering on today... I think it's partly, because my brain is capable of making thoughts but, er, not finishing them. or something.) The nurse was just very quick to react (can we say Suuuppperrrr toouchy gay guy? )... in kind of an angry/condescending way... not really the best reaction to someone in pain/who's not functioning well. But, as I said, at any rate, bygones will be bygones and toads will be toads.
I think I'm going to end this post soon. I did have those facet blocks done yesterday, and I think it really helped. In the process, however, I was turned into total 'hospital invalid' doll. ie, hospital gown and IV in hand. now my neck just has a residual soreness. (the rest of the time, we're encouraged to stay in street clothes)
but enough of this post. time for me to read a book! (Hah. note to self and others. don't bring heavy non-fiction books to a hospital to read, especially when you know your cognitive abilities are going to be hampered. stick to something like Sweet Valley High. that would be amusing. Though I must say the advent of movies streaming on the internet at fast speeds has been a nice addition to this stay.)
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Morning of Day 4: woo-zy
woozy is how I feel. I haven't eaten or drunk anything since last night. this is really no fault or choice of mine. but because I'm going in for 'surgery'
(my nurse just came in laughing like, "oh naomi, haha, you're gong to kill me. haha. I know you really needed smthing but then all thee other patients were before you. hahaha" -_-. I've needed my pain medicine for quite a while. and I think I first asked her like... a half an hour ago? bleah. "What number would you say your headache is?" Me: "uuuummmm. number? I dont know. I just want to feeeeeeeeeel better!" But so it goes. classify and numerify (dont bother me with real words) we must. )
but back to the 'surgery.' Before any 'surgical' procedure one is not allowed to eat or drink for many hours, soo.... I am currently gaining all sustenance (read: something like sugar water? nah. prob ahs mroe nutrients in it than that, but...) from my IV.
but yes, I am not having surgery surgery. I am getting something called facet blocks. Where they go to your facet joints (joints in your vertebrae I think are all facets? Im prob incorrect on quite a few medical thngs here) and they injext numbing medicine/something that loosens them? I had it done a few yers ago when I was here. It usually helps (although they only do it to 1 or 2 joints) albeit temporarily. should be followed by PT to keep them open.
anyhoo, (that word kind of reminds me of like... 7th grade? not why I used it. though I must say, I almost erased it in embarrasment ^^) I just got a huge shot of a migraine drug, one that has A LOT of muscle relaxant so my brain is starting to shut down, so I must go. (I also want to go to this 'assertiveness training' class : ) did i mention there's all these kinds of 'group session.'
ok. til later. hopefully after facet block thing (afternoon. early soemtime, I hope). and hopefully after Ive then gotten something to eat.
toodl-oo! (another 7th grade email word ^^;;)
(my nurse just came in laughing like, "oh naomi, haha, you're gong to kill me. haha. I know you really needed smthing but then all thee other patients were before you. hahaha" -_-. I've needed my pain medicine for quite a while. and I think I first asked her like... a half an hour ago? bleah. "What number would you say your headache is?" Me: "uuuummmm. number? I dont know. I just want to feeeeeeeeeel better!" But so it goes. classify and numerify (dont bother me with real words) we must. )
but back to the 'surgery.' Before any 'surgical' procedure one is not allowed to eat or drink for many hours, soo.... I am currently gaining all sustenance (read: something like sugar water? nah. prob ahs mroe nutrients in it than that, but...) from my IV.
but yes, I am not having surgery surgery. I am getting something called facet blocks. Where they go to your facet joints (joints in your vertebrae I think are all facets? Im prob incorrect on quite a few medical thngs here) and they injext numbing medicine/something that loosens them? I had it done a few yers ago when I was here. It usually helps (although they only do it to 1 or 2 joints) albeit temporarily. should be followed by PT to keep them open.
anyhoo, (that word kind of reminds me of like... 7th grade? not why I used it. though I must say, I almost erased it in embarrasment ^^) I just got a huge shot of a migraine drug, one that has A LOT of muscle relaxant so my brain is starting to shut down, so I must go. (I also want to go to this 'assertiveness training' class : ) did i mention there's all these kinds of 'group session.'
ok. til later. hopefully after facet block thing (afternoon. early soemtime, I hope). and hopefully after Ive then gotten something to eat.
toodl-oo! (another 7th grade email word ^^;;)
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
meh.
is what me and my brain and the rest of my body kind of say.
It sounds silly/terrible, but my butt (me bum?) hurts from the anti-nausea shot they gave me (get one before each IV treatment) yuck.
This is the first day in a really long time I've been on a lot of intense migraine drugs (see norflax: crazy muscle relaxant). Ever had your head messed with with INTENSE muscle relaxers? my guess is that it equates to being on a lot of illegal narcotics. maybe that's why so many people like them. It dumbs down enough of your brain so that you don't think about all the different, zany, irrelevant thoughts we have a day. oooooh. so this is what it's like to have less brain power (i dont mean this uppity-ish at all). You have so many less worries because your brain in this condition can't possible comprehend them all. the 'other' things. What other things? See, they don't exist. : ) ok, so slightly sad when you can kind of grasp that there is something murky in the shadows your brain is trying to grab on to (try having an intelligent conversation like this!) but it can't.
I suppose if one chooses this state voluntarily (see pot smoking minions) then sure, hey it's great. free and easy (you can't remember your cares), you feel relaxed and can just let go.
heh. no, not really a 'heh.' more of a hmm -_-. `_`. `o`. -_-.
I didn't really have appropriate words for that phrase.
So this day has involved many a different doctor. many a same story simply being told to a different doctor. A GI doctor with aspergers (really, I swear! though he did get 'friendlier' as it went a long and he was good) , an endocrinologist who thought he was coming to treat a patient for obesity (!!), a psychologist (ok) and a psychiatrist (two thumbs down), followed by a little too much graham cracker eating. (I was hungry! and all the fruit was gone...) a couple I have yet to see... PT? troches for throat stuff?
That's really it for my day. I was trying to work myself up to go exercise on the exercise bike all day. But first it was: they just gave me more muscle relaxant, there's no way I can exercise. then somehow it became later and I got the oh so wonderful Norflax again (so no exercise after that! see previous sentence). then headache worsening. and now it's 10. and well, sleeping sounds good... though I think that's partly the migrane induced fatigue talking. (not to mention the IV meds I just got hooked up to don't travel so well) ah. well...
some personal hygiene sounds good. (anyone have any floss?) : P
signing off for now.
It sounds silly/terrible, but my butt (me bum?) hurts from the anti-nausea shot they gave me (get one before each IV treatment) yuck.
This is the first day in a really long time I've been on a lot of intense migraine drugs (see norflax: crazy muscle relaxant). Ever had your head messed with with INTENSE muscle relaxers? my guess is that it equates to being on a lot of illegal narcotics. maybe that's why so many people like them. It dumbs down enough of your brain so that you don't think about all the different, zany, irrelevant thoughts we have a day. oooooh. so this is what it's like to have less brain power (i dont mean this uppity-ish at all). You have so many less worries because your brain in this condition can't possible comprehend them all. the 'other' things. What other things? See, they don't exist. : ) ok, so slightly sad when you can kind of grasp that there is something murky in the shadows your brain is trying to grab on to (try having an intelligent conversation like this!) but it can't.
I suppose if one chooses this state voluntarily (see pot smoking minions) then sure, hey it's great. free and easy (you can't remember your cares), you feel relaxed and can just let go.
heh. no, not really a 'heh.' more of a hmm -_-. `_`. `o`. -_-.
I didn't really have appropriate words for that phrase.
So this day has involved many a different doctor. many a same story simply being told to a different doctor. A GI doctor with aspergers (really, I swear! though he did get 'friendlier' as it went a long and he was good) , an endocrinologist who thought he was coming to treat a patient for obesity (!!), a psychologist (ok) and a psychiatrist (two thumbs down), followed by a little too much graham cracker eating. (I was hungry! and all the fruit was gone...) a couple I have yet to see... PT? troches for throat stuff?
That's really it for my day. I was trying to work myself up to go exercise on the exercise bike all day. But first it was: they just gave me more muscle relaxant, there's no way I can exercise. then somehow it became later and I got the oh so wonderful Norflax again (so no exercise after that! see previous sentence). then headache worsening. and now it's 10. and well, sleeping sounds good... though I think that's partly the migrane induced fatigue talking. (not to mention the IV meds I just got hooked up to don't travel so well) ah. well...
some personal hygiene sounds good. (anyone have any floss?) : P
signing off for now.
Monday, March 31, 2008
quick addendum to Day 1
I just got a present from my mom!
: ) makes me very happy : )
in times like this, it's the little things that really mean a lot.
: ) makes me very happy : )
in times like this, it's the little things that really mean a lot.
Day 1
Well.... so it's back to the migraine clinic with me.
Resurrection Healthcare st. Joseph's Hospital. Inp
And the process begins all over again. To tell the truth I am kind of relieved. And yet, at the same time, sad. like sad that all this happened again. to the point of such low functioning. self pity? maybe.
One one hand I almost yearned and wanted the nice, safe, warm arms of the clinic to embrace me again, hold me close, fix everything, and help me figure out how to live again. And at the same time. ... tears start to well up and I want to cry and cry and cry and understand how it is that I seem to have lost two years of my life to a meaningless and totally unnecessary and NOT-inevitable (is that a word?) illness. that threw my life into a roller coaster, affecting every layer of my physical and psychological being(yuck, that sounds like im trying too hard for pretty phrases.). but it just seems dumb. I just went to vietnam for a jaunt. didn't have to go. and this is what happens. .... I suppose lamenting it over and over doesn't realy change the fact that I did and it did happen. So let this be my last lament. And it is now in the past. done. gamarnu. nothing to be done about it. just mukeru, turn to the future. of getting better. and I will be! I WILL be. and I WILL get a new recording done. and I WILL send it off to more agency's people and I WILL go to JAPAN. and MAKE an AUDITIOn
And about singing:
I realize that learning how to sing again and being able to sing again is part of the process I need to take to be healthy again. whether or not I have a singing career. The fact of 'being able to sing' is part of me, my entirety, being physically and emotionally healthy.
But so here we start again.
IV tube in. Blood taken. Anti-nauseau shot in the butt. and pretty soon the 3 days of intense, woozyness inducing, neaseauting migraine drugs of Dhe begin.
I will conquer it. and I WILL come out stronger for it.
WILL (sing that song like you mean it!)
I'm glad that somehow in the resolution of writing this it leans towards the positive now. (In my mind (earlier), it all was the sadness and negtivity)
til our next installment
Resurrection Healthcare st. Joseph's Hospital. Inp
And the process begins all over again. To tell the truth I am kind of relieved. And yet, at the same time, sad. like sad that all this happened again. to the point of such low functioning. self pity? maybe.
One one hand I almost yearned and wanted the nice, safe, warm arms of the clinic to embrace me again, hold me close, fix everything, and help me figure out how to live again. And at the same time. ... tears start to well up and I want to cry and cry and cry and understand how it is that I seem to have lost two years of my life to a meaningless and totally unnecessary and NOT-inevitable (is that a word?) illness. that threw my life into a roller coaster, affecting every layer of my physical and psychological being(yuck, that sounds like im trying too hard for pretty phrases.). but it just seems dumb. I just went to vietnam for a jaunt. didn't have to go. and this is what happens. .... I suppose lamenting it over and over doesn't realy change the fact that I did and it did happen. So let this be my last lament. And it is now in the past. done. gamarnu. nothing to be done about it. just mukeru, turn to the future. of getting better. and I will be! I WILL be. and I WILL get a new recording done. and I WILL send it off to more agency's people and I WILL go to JAPAN. and MAKE an AUDITIOn
And about singing:
I realize that learning how to sing again and being able to sing again is part of the process I need to take to be healthy again. whether or not I have a singing career. The fact of 'being able to sing' is part of me, my entirety, being physically and emotionally healthy.
But so here we start again.
IV tube in. Blood taken. Anti-nauseau shot in the butt. and pretty soon the 3 days of intense, woozyness inducing, neaseauting migraine drugs of Dhe begin.
I will conquer it. and I WILL come out stronger for it.
WILL (sing that song like you mean it!)
I'm glad that somehow in the resolution of writing this it leans towards the positive now. (In my mind (earlier), it all was the sadness and negtivity)
til our next installment
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