I

I like having a car. 

I'm scared, too.  

Life!  

Laughter and Forgetting

I forgot what I originally intended to post about.  But it's Wednesday night, meaning there are two days left of the program before I fly home (and I literally fly home the night it ends), and I'm torn.

I'm torn between wanting to be here longer and wanting to just get on with my life.   Life!

I think the desire to still be here is mostly because I'm scared.  Scared of 're-integration,' resuming what could possibly said to be living a 'regular' life again (I'm not even thinking of the obligations I have to do when I get back) and learning how to integrate what I've learned, the habits I've picked up back into a 'regular' life (that wasn't very regular to begin with).  

Exercise enough! on schedule.  get up everyday!  job.

So that's it.  

that's it.

Thirty minutes.

What if all you got was 30 minutes?

Over the last few days, the clearest thinking I've been able to do while saddled with this brain bomb was the thirty minutes I spent on the ellipticial machine at the gym (during physical therapy) today.

All of a sudden my mind was clear! (enough)

and what I wanted to do and be doing was totally clear to me.  Singing being a big part of it.

It's only when I get down.  When I feel bad. Dizzy, pain, fog, weird fatigue.  I start to get really down and depressed and think that I'm not capable of doing or accomplishing anything. and I mean really anything.  What was I thinking to pursue singing. BAH. I can't sing.  I dont know  shit.  and I don't know how to go about it (this is partly true) doing it, getting there.And I odn't even sing well.  Journalism/reporting? I cant really do that. I can't hold a job.  And I get totally fed up with my good for nothing self.  It's only those 30 minutes that I feel like an energied, competent human being capable of doing something.  ANYTHING.  Conquering the world.  (Hey, at our ages, we're allowed to feel that we have that potential, aren't we?)

So I'm going to try and channel those thoughts I had while on the elliptical machine, when I had all of my energy, and write them down here, and remind myself of them again and again and again and again, so that the rest of the time, when I'm not feeling up to it, when I start to feel bad and down, I'll know that there is something I want to be doing and I'll know what that something is.  

It's simple.  And it goes like this:

I want to sing. I do.  and I'm good at it.  (and I can be gooood at it again).  And I'm good at interpreting music and words and making it into a song.  

I want to work on my own songs (and my own band?) as I work on getting together a trio (and my book) and find a job.  (Also audition for musical theatre/start acting again is in there)  : )  

How's that?

Just remind myself.  remind myself.

good. and bad

OK.  so I didn't post all week.  not so good.

I've had some goods.  good

and some bads.  bad.

goods.  My mom came up for the weekend and it was nice.

bads.  my head hasn't been doing so good. and this makes me sad.  sad. mad. bad.  and that also makes me question everything more.  like what on earth am I doing singing. and journalism?

group therapy

I'm a little too tired to post right now (I shan't say the m word).  But it seems this week will involve mainly lots of group sessions.  And really teaching us how to re-live and organize our lives.  Something that for... someone who had basically stopped functioning... is good, necessary, and helpful.  More so than anyone could imagine.  for others perhaps, as well... who knows ^^;

Pain Behaviors

OK.  So a really important topic for me to get to is "Pain Behaviors"  I suppose me even writing this segment constitutes a pain behavior.  In fact.  I'm kind of afraid this whole blog constitutes a Pain Behavior (*eep!).  I don't know.  or maybe I kind of do.  But then what's the whole purpose of this blog if not for me to talk about me in relation to ... well... me. and migraines.  (Do I need to change the name of the blog too???)  

An explanation.

So the other day in 'group.'  'group'==group therapy we all (all 2 of us who started together) have every day (I realize I failed to explain this last post).  the other day in group we talked about 'pain behaviors' and how important it is to stop exhibiting/doing any, except with your doctor.   What is a pain behavior?  

Well... anything that shows or communicates that you are in pain and/or have a headache or take medicine (I can see my brother shaking his head).  It's important to stop, because the more we dwell, the bigger the deal it (they) become, the more other people change their behavior to oneself, yadda yadda yadd, it makes sense.  I guess for me...  some of these 'behaviors' : rubbing my head, talking about my medicine/headache (a BIG one for me. hey. look at this blog!  No.  But I swear this blog was and is more than that.  But more on that later.  maybe) I exhibit a lot, though I'm always very keen on whoever I'm with to not change the way they treat me... I always thought about it as more of an explanation.  BUT. I'm wrong.  Any way you look at it I'm wrong.  

Does that mean the end of this blog?  I don't think so.  I think this blog was always and hopefully will always be about more than just my 'migraine.'  If it was, all the posts would be about all the headaches I had... Instead they were and hope to continue to be about living day to day (granted while I'm getting treatment mostly) with this condition and maybe whatever else.  !  Ok.  maybe I talked myself into a hole.  maybe I need to give it up?  

But see I haven't spent the last some paragraphs complaining about the headache I just got from eating something random (no idea really.  yuck after such a good day, too!)  I stop.  

coldness

I'm cold.  The house I'm in hasn't learned the meaning of heat.  

Today was a bit better....  I got my car switched! and ate yummy gelato.  er I don't want to keep focusing on the negative... so I won't!  ^^;  but me thinks me ate a little too much.  I find it's also easier to when one is cold.

Ok. something from group.  something important I've learned/had beaten into me (heh) through the program is the importance of not having/showing any pain behaviors.  That's right.  Nomore  talking about it/no complaining/no moaning/no pill popping, etc in public at all.  It's going to be a little hard for me ... because, I guess, because it's become so natural.

but right now I think the hardest thing is getting through another night of this cold house!

brrr.  

down

OK. so I'm kind of down. and this is manifesting itself in me eating a lot of junk and kind of an annoying migraine in the back of my head.

I just don't feel like I'm getting it. I feel talked down to (by physical therapist). We had a whole half hour of physical therapy and all we did was the same exercise from before and one new one. I'm just not very optomistic about this whole thing and I feel like I need to be, should be! in order to get what I need to out of this program.

But right now my head hurts. All I want to do is sleep. well. burrow into the covers and sleep. and eat. That is not very promising.

Please somewhere, something inside me turn around this/my feelings otherwise I think it will be a waste of time.

I got a car. BUt like. please. The car door won't open with the regular key. I have to open the passenger side and crawl over. The light doesn't turn on. It's kind of a piece of shittiness. But it's a car, and other than not knowing where I'm going and kind of just 'going there' I really like having a car. even if all I ever do (did today) was go back and forth to the clinic.

And really, today, I was going to go take a dance class after but I was feeling down about this program about myself and I just wanted to eat (at first I thought it was just being down, but then I realized it was migraine-ness). and so I went 'home.' Which - as of tomorrow I will be sharing again with the owner. Boo. It's nice to have a whole place to myself. Not that he's not nice - - just that he talks - wants to talk... I guess and I want to feel shitty and wallow in it I guess. Ok. This post must stop. you see the problem? yeeeesss.

Naomi

Today - 1st Day

Today was really hard. 

 I think I am going to get to rent a car, and that will help me feel not so trapped.

A wise friend said, "no matter what. you won't leave worse than you are now  ...  that sounds funny but it's true."  It is true. 

and if it doesn't work  "it's ok." b/c I tried.

also true.

:)

Cleveland.

So.  I am in Cleveland.